Kaley Patterson
A&E Editor
@KaleyKayPatt
Growing up, my mom always told me that I couldn’t please everybody – simple concept, but hard to accomplish.
In high school, I would come home crying and stressing to my mom about how a friend of mine was mad at me for a decision I had made on the cheer squad, student council or something else within our social circle.
But for almost every situation, that friend had no logical reason to be upset with me because my decision was none of their business – it didn’t affect them directly.
I thought when I got to college the petty high school drama would end, I also thought I wouldn’t have to worry about pleasing my so-called “friends.”
Man, was I wrong.
My friends Brooke and Shelby are just like me. I met Shelby through one of my other good friends Brooke – they went to high school together in Piedmont. I met Brooke at Girl’s State my junior year of high school, and I worked with Shelby at Falls Creek for three years.
We don’t like to disappoint people, and when we do, it eats at us – even if it’s not our fault.
We are far from passive aggressive. We’ll let each other know when the other is acting a fool, but it’s in a way that it’s almost accepting. We don’t tear each other down. We build each other up. I consider them two of my most gut wrenchingly honest friends.
Is that not how friendships are supposed to be?
Recently I attended two mind-blowing concerts with Shelby (you can read about them on the A&E page). One of the concerts was in Tulsa. Brooke lives in Tulsa, so we decided to spend the afternoon with her.
You know how you’ve had a bad week and you go out with your friends and you sit back and realize that time with them was exactly what you needed.
I did that afternoon.
I had some confrontations with two other friends of mine during my weekend at Stillwater. One friend was not supportive or accepting of my actions and continued to tear me apart, while the other had let me down too many times before.
I had let the both of them get the best of me that weekend when they didn’t deserve it.
That night at dinner I explained to Brooke what had gone on that weekend. Shelby was there for it all and insisted that I was worrying too much about it. Instead of having a comment about how awful friends those other two were, Brooke simply said to me, “Kaley, you need to start living by your own terms.”
I was puzzled by this comment Brooke had laid out on the table. I asked her what she meant by this, and she told me she had started living by her own terms – if there’s someone in her life that does not accept her or her life, then they don’t deserve her time and energy.
Shelby said she noticed how Brooke’s self-esteem increased when she started living by her own terms. Brooke agreed because she stopped stressing about what her other so-called “friends” said or did to her due to her comments or actions. If they weren’t building her up, she was kicking them out.
Brooke said her newfound revelation also made her much more emotionally healthy.
I get attached to my friends – I don’t want to let them down, and I don’t want to hurt them. But when my friends let me down or hurt me, I continue to stay friends with them, and I end up apologizing for something I didn’t even do to them.
I realize that I’m living on other people’s terms and not my own.
To start living on my own terms, I think I need to stop stressing and holding onto what others say to me. If I keep their words in my head and let them cause my heart to ache, then I’ve allowed them control.
I also think I need to stop apologizing for things I didn’t do. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve apologized for being rude when I wasn’t. I also can’t count all the situations where I said, “I’m sorry” for something I didn’t even cause.
I did all this just to take the strife from my friends and put it all on myself.
I know there will be situations in the future where I cause pain on my friends and it’s actually my fault. More often than not, it won’t be.
If I can’t be gut wrenchingly honest with a friend without fearing backlash, then they’re not living on my terms. It may sound selfish, but bad company corrupts good morals, correct?
I haven’t figured out the whole concept yet, but I will eventually.